We suppose that by now you’ve already read Part 1 of Nashh’s recount of the 16th Celebrity Deathmatch (and if not, what are you waiting for??). In the end, if you want to read a book that recounts a similar story to what Nashh went through before TeaDaze managed to give the countdown in Local and the guns went ablaze, I would suggest Homer’s Odyssey.

Meanwhile… In Planet Risk…

Dude, get in EVE, I got exciting news! *Click*

I didn’t get to say a word, while Quivering Palm said that to me over the phone a month ago in a tone as if he was suffering from severe sugar rush, with the added jolt of 6 intravenous caffeine shots. I quickly stopped the crazy sexual acts I was having and sent the bitch away… (though in reality I just cursed out loud at Quiv for waking me up and went to make myself some coffee, while my eyes were still swollen from 14 hours of sleep).  So I fired up EVE and QP informed me that Nashh Kadavr had challenged him into a Celebrity Deathmatch, which he then transformed into a 2vs2 to include me as well, by arranging for Mynxee to be Nashh’s teammate.

OK, I think out loud, That is exciting indeed, but why on earth would he pick us? We’ve released like three podcasts only and even though we try to be informative and useful, our shows resemble more the rantings of two madmen mixed with Spiked Quafe than a well thought off and coherent show.  But enough about self loathing there for a moment… We got ourselves a Deathmatch.

The rules of engagement were simple. No warp out… those who warp out forfeit the match and will be hunted down and chewed upon mercilessly. No pod killing.. because we love our little eggs and the implants that go with them, and finally, the matches would have to be performed in Faction Cruisers only. The date for the match was set to be October 11th and the fighting arena would be inside Planet Risk. One final detail.. this deathmatch would grow into epic proportion in terms of participants, publicity, money spent, effort for it to be organized and to top it all, Alliance Tournament 7 commentator and PVP expert TeaDaze had agreed to fly in Planet Risk, film the match and commentate on it just like the CCP endorsed tournaments. With all that in mind, we needed to keep this a secret till it happens. And secret we kept it =)

After some quick deliberations and scrutinizing over the available faction ships we managed to select our “weapons of choice”. We realized that our choices were practically limited to our training. Quivering, as a missile mongering Caldari, had a no-brainer selection of the Caracal Navy issue, and I being a drone mongering Gallente had a no-brainer selection of the Vexor Navy Issue. A week later, Quivering had his Caracal in Planet Risk, fit and ready, and I, having performed the 150 Jump adventure brought in Nashh’s Vexor Navy Issue and Mynxee’s Cynabal (as it would be suicide for them to try and bring those into Planet Risk on the day of the fight through null-sec). Traditionally, being a slacker, I was still shipless and with no plan in mind whatsoever.. well almost no plan..

Since everyone knew the ships their opponents would field, we devised our EW plan and started training heavily for that. What kind of plan and what kind of EW though will be revealed on the 24th of October during the Hellcats party, alongside the final results, match rundown, video capture of the fight as well as the after-match interview of all participants.

The days were going by, and life was going as usual in Planet Risk. Ratting in C5′s, tormenting innocent neighbours, losing some ships ourselves, getting our Orca ransomed for 1 Bil, running our own pvp tournament, getting empty wardec threats … Murder and mayhem standard procedure.. In the meantime I bought my Vexor (bloody forum announcements for upcoming faction ship changes.. Vexor’s price went skyrocketing) and brought it in but still hadn’t decided on its fitting… which brings us to…

Saturday, October 10th, one day before the deathmatch. For a few days we’ve been trying to find a viable entrance for Nashh, Mynxee and TeaDaze into Planet Risk, but so far all attempts had found exits in the most inconvenient and dangerous places. Less than 20 hours were left for the match and along with Quivering we jumped into our trustworthy cov-ops, loaded a bunch of sister probes and away we went to find an entrance.

The local Planet Risk exits are always a nullsec and a C5. The nullsec exit was some 29 jumps away from Evati where Mynxee and Nashh were hanging out and the route from there to here was to say the least.. dangerous. So we started scanning our way through the neighbouring C5. Uh-oh, two large POS’s armed to their teeth.. fortunately nobody seems to be logged on to operate those.. not for now anyways, as either they’re away or lazy, having 17 signatures in their system. We got Merinid in a cov-ops to lend a hand and we scanned everything down, revealing a fresh wormhole exit to another Class 5. Not the class type we had in mind exactly but we were determined to find an exit no matter what.

And so we went into the second Class 5 in a row and started scanning down the signatures. Interestingly enough there were no PVE sites whatsoever in the system, and as an added bonus we spotted a CNR in directional. Immediately Quivering scanned the CNR down and we assembled our death machine for the kill. I got my Domi, Estar Tarns got the Phobos, Merinid Dormer got the Raven and Quivering got the Falcon (his scanning alt, Mr. Deaker was already in the Cheetah).

<Flashback duration=” 10 hours ago”>

Quivering Palm: guys I think I’m gonna change my Cheetah’s fitting. Thinking of adding a warp disruptor or two.. you know.. for the occasion that if while scanning I stumble upon another ship I don’t need to wait for people to bring in the tacklers. In fact.. I’m gonna change the fitting as we speak.

< /Flashback>

So there is Mr. Deaker doing the initial tackling on the CNR, while Estar’s Phobos landed and deployed the bubble, Quiv’s Falcon silenced the CNR which in response deployed its smartbombs, Merinid’s Raven started missile hammering and my drone domi.. well since its last user was not that fond of sentries and stripped them off its bay, and while the CNR smartbombs were being unforgiving to my t2 hammerheads, I just played logistics, repairing any damage that managed to bleed through to the gang, as well as offering cap to whoever needed that.

The CNR pilot started yelling in Local “STOP.. I’ll pay”. Now.. that was new.. I don’t recall us asking for a ransom, but that was interesting to say the least.  The next surprise came from Quivering who asked him in local “Ok.. how much?”. At that point I’m starting to lose it for a while.. aren’t we supposed to do this the other way round? But nonetheless.. tomayto-tomahto.. I suggest in eve-voice that since we’re all itchy to get the killmail, let’s ask for an absurd amount of ISK then break it. Merinid is the first to say “2 bil” in local. The guy responds with “You know that I’d never pay that” to which I counter-”attack” with “1 Bil”. To my surprise, he replies with.. “Ok”.

“Allright.. WTF guys?.. must  be a helluva fit there” Quiv says as the guy (apologies btw, I will fill in your name once I check my chat logs) logged his alt to transfer the cash. As we reassure the guy that we’ll keep our word of getting the money and letting him go free (while keeping him just a notch before structure damage) the unthinkable happens. Estar’s ISP goes ballistic, and the phobos disconnects! And the bubble goes with it!

But in the heat of the moment, ONE MAN… ONE DECISION… ONE DESIRE.. Quivering’s alt, Mr. Deaker with its warp disruptor fitted Cheetah manages to hold the tackle (with a little cap help from the Domi). And the heroic Cheetah made sure that we negated the ISK damage we suffered a few days ago when we had our Orca ransomed for 1 bil. And might I add that this was our very first successful ransom attempt, even though it was unintentional.

We let the guy go (although I did have to pull the leash on the bloodlust my corpies had.. I guess that the guy blaming us for becoming blood-thirsty nasty pirates was not entirely wrong after all) and kept on with our scanning expedition. Merinid logged for the night and Estar returned to Planet risk, while we found a wormhole to a Class 6 system. Ok.. this started to not look very promising whatsoever, but we did find a lonely Magnate sitting alone in a safe spot. The fearless cheetah tackled the Magnate and started poking the ship and its pilot, both of which strangely enough did not respond. Brilliant!

After a couple failed attempts to communicate with the Magnate pilot (hey.. we thought that we might secure 50 more mil in ransom money!) we decided to go in for the kill, and before you go about mad ravings of us being cold and heartless griefers, we had two very good reasons to pop that Magnate and its pilot.

A) To teach the guy a valuable lesson that “YOU DON’T FOR WHATEVER REASON GO AFK IN A C6  WHEN NOT BEHIND POS SHIELDS” and

B) We wanted to get our first kill (and killmail) in a C6.

I would love to see the expression of “WTF” drawn in the face of that unlucky pilot when he returns from his AFK session only to find himself docked in a station. On the plus side, we got 508 probes that the Magnate dropped, its launcher and a Moon Probe ?!?!?!?

But anyway, this scanning story is starting to take as long as it really took (about 6 hours really), so cutting it short at this point, we ended up thoroughly scanning 3 Class 5 systems, and 6 Class 6 until we found a low-sec exit to Gomati. Success!.. Or is it? I guess the next day would show, as I went back to Planet Risk and fit my Vexor with whatever gear I could find handy in there, which surprisingly was exactly what I needed when a few days ago I had built a fitting for my ship in EVEHQ. I also ordered three rigs to Estar who put them in the baking oven.

No matter the route we tried to make to Evati, it always ended up including a few high-sec jumps, and high-sec is certain death for Mynxee with her -10 security status (this sounds ironic to carebears), so she decided to do the 29 jumps through nullsec in her cov-ops while carrying the Cynabal’s gear with her, avoiding one gatecamp  and safely entering Planet Risk through it’s native null-sec exit.

We’d wish to say that Nashh’s trip to Planet Risk would be similarly uneventful (even if it doesn’t make for exciting “journalism”), alas.. it wasn’t. After first flying relatively safe to Gomati and realizing that none of the Planet Risk’ers was online to bring him in through the multi-w-space-jump , he made almost 100 jumps only to be shot down with his Vexor’s gear in his cargo hold and buying it back with Mynxee’s sponsorship, meeting TeaDaze halfway and finally entering our system at about 15:00 EVE Time.

After a lengthy welcome, Mynxee and Nashh fit their ships while I installed my freshly baked rigs and we all headed to our PVP arena (yes the same arena we held our 1st SIRadio PVP Tournament on) followed by the rest of the Planet Risk denizens who formed an exciting spectator crew right behind TeaDaze’s camera boat. Team Bastards having Mynxee as FC warped out to Planet VII, while Team Wasabi with me FCing warped to Planet VIII.

It was at that moment that Quivering and I decided to talk about our strategy. Great.. a month in preparation and we decided to talk strategies 60 seconds before the fight, but what the hell.. sounds like a good strategy.. and besides we’re going to have fun.. I mean wth.. we’re inexperienced PVPers fighting against legendary pirate Mynxee and legendary Deathmatch advocate Nashh Kadavr. We’re about to be pwned hard, but at least we’re gonna have tremendous fun going down in flames, but live another day to talk about it and record it on camera too!

TeaDaze gave the signal to Team Bastards to warp in to the Arena beacon at their desired location, and shortly after it was our turn. We warped in to zero and found out that if there was a proverbial virtual bed laid out on the beacon, we’d be having an orgy. We all were at almost point blank distance.

“Quick”, i yelled at Quivering.. “Swap your scripts”.. as TeaDaze got the ready signal from both teams and was counting down for the slugfest to begin… A match that proved to be LEGEN..

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Wait for it…